Retreat Or Not To Treat
By Guest Blogger Jamila Ghbeish
The definition of retreat is an act of moving back or withdrawing such as within a conflict or war, or a quiet or secluded place in which one can rest and relax. Both meanings have value and are applicable to my experience. I have been at war with myself and my surroundings my entire life. There has always been a desire to run away and escape, from my family, from my husband, from my job, from myself.
I didn’t feel emotionally safe. I felt trapped in everything. I couldn’t leave my family because, well, they are my family. No matter how much physical space I put between us, I still live with the patterns they taught me. They are with me every day. I couldn’t leave my job because I had bills to pay and they needed me. I was the only one working. We can’t afford it. Who was going to support the family? I couldn’t leave my husband because I didn’t have the courage to change the things I could. Obviously, I couldn’t leave myself, although I tried really hard. No matter where I run to, I am always there.
Eventually, all of this angst amalgamated into a climax of hating every aspect of my life. This insidious idea that I couldn’t leave or quit because of obligation. I was showing up for everyone but myself. Don’t get me wrong, I was trying to do all the things to take care of myself, but I was spinning my wheels and going nowhere. I needed a change, and bad. I needed a reset button; to get away from my life, a secluded place where I could rest and relax. That was when I decided to sign up for The Hoffman Process. I tried to talk myself out of it. I had never done any type of retreat. I felt they were expensive, not worth the money, not for people like me. In my mind, it was wasteful. I know I got that mindset from my father. Boy, was I wrong. There was also a part of me that felt unworthy and undeserving of spending money on myself, or doing anything nice for myself.
Hoffman was the first retreat-like experience that I ever had, and it shifted my perspective. It gave me momentum to change how I was living my life. I no longer felt stuck. I came out of that experience, refreshed, relaxed, and connected to myself, and the world. My sense of adventure, curiosity, creativity and fun were revived. I thought they were dead. I was on a pink cloud seeing the world through rose colored glasses, and I liked it. I hadn’t felt that alive in years, and I wanted more. I always had the desire to try new things and travel, but I made myself believe that I couldn’t do them until….until I had more money…until I had time off...until I left my husband…until I wasn’t obligated. Until, until, until...I had been making excuses to push things off and not live, to keep myself small because I thought I was being safe.
After Hoffman, I quit my job, left my husband, and stayed with my disabled father to take care of him. Huge changes in my life. I created the space I needed to pivot and open up new opportunities. I was afraid, but Hoffman had given me the strength and courage to face life and take risks, to show up differently in the world. I found an ashram close to my father’s house. It was a place I could retreat to daily and provided much needed support. My father passed away that year, and I am so grateful I had that time with him at the end. I was able to heal old wounds, and create a safe haven out of a place that wasn’t safe for me as a child.
I started thinking about where I wanted to head next. I was looking at yoga retreats in Thailand and India, and planning a long trip of self-exploration. I was moving back in with my husband to see if things could work out. I needed trips and retreats planned to escape if things went south. It was the only way I could go back.
When my friend, Jill, told me about the ShineFit retreat she runs in Baja, Mexico, I impulsively jumped at the opportunity and signed up. I had never been to Baja. I love wellness and yoga. I was excited to get away, experience something new, and make wellness a priority. Then COVID hit, and the world stopped. Everything was canceled; all plans put on hold. I thought this was a sign, the universe telling me to stay put and face my marriage. I’m not going to lie, there was a little bit of panic that cropped up for me, but with the rescheduled ShineFit retreat on the horizon I made it through. By the time that rolled around, I was ready!
Jill Wheeler’s signature Baja retreat is hosted at the beautiful Casa Tara Retreat on the sea of Cortez. It was so relaxing to wake up every morning with a view of the ocean, and not have to worry about planning activities, or what I was going to eat. Each day, we met up for meals, classes, and had the opportunity to choose the activities we wanted to participate in. Relaxing by the pool, getting spa treatments, swimming in the ocean, hiking, paddleboarding were among the many activities available to us. My favorite day was getting to snorkel with sea lions and whale sharks. We saw so much amazing wildlife that day from bottle-nosed dolphins to humpback and blue whales. It opened up a whole new world that I had been missing out on. I didn’t want to leave when it was over, so I didn’t. I got a hotel and stayed a couple extra days to enjoy the relaxing atmosphere and reintegrate.
Before the retreat was even over, I told Jill that I wanted to reserve my spot for the next one….and the next one…and the next one…I want to fill my life with experiences like that. I already have everything booked for the upcoming Baja retreat, and I’m sad that it may be the last one there for a while. Endings can be sad, but the best part about them is they open up space for wonderful new beginnings. I am particularly excited about her Greece retreat coming up in September 2022.
I know that I’ll make it work and find a way to make it happen. I have a much more relaxed perspective on the world, and I attribute that to making space in my life to treat myself to retreats. Most importantly, I know that I am worth it. I deserve nice things and you do too.
